Character Defects Entry #28

We all have defects of character. Mine have been; lying, infidelity, tunnel vision, indecisiveness and selfishness just to name a few. I always thought that without alcohol things would be perfect and as a person I would be some sort of superman. However a lot of the defects that I have still remain and they are things that need to be worked on individually in order for me to become a better person. When I delve deeper into myself I realized that things may have been advanced when I was drunk or I can use being drunk for an excuse when I exhibited these defects but what now? Over the past 4 years of sobriety I still lied, I still didn’t use good judgment in things I did in my relationships, still have tunnel vision and am still very selfish. I can’t beat myself up though because we are forever evolving and making these realizations are the first step in correcting them just like when I had to admit I was an alcoholic. I also had to look at all my accomplishments and be proud of myself. For the first time ever I worked for someone besides myself and I’ve held my job for 2 years. I was finally able to focus my energy and make my first full length album of which I’m very proud of.Mistakes were still around every corner though and I did things in relationships to shatter the trust and I blame myself for that. I found myself lying again and I became very indecisive on the future. Ultimately being sober didn’t make me perfect and truly no one can ever be perfect that’s God’s job. While talking with my sponsor I realized that my evolution and maturity stopped over the past 2 years. I accomplished so much on a material and superficial level that I totally ignored my inner growth. I hurt people in a lot of ways that are un-repairable. One of my defects that can be mistaken as a trait is my sociability and the ability to bring the best out of people. Don’t get me wrong, these are good traits. However when there is a lack of humility and lies, it can be a lethal mixer, especially since I’m aware of the power it can hold. This can make people put their guards down easily and if you betray then it can and will bring out the worst in them. This made me realize that I didn’t have control of my thoughts and emotions which is another character defect. I also learned that in sobriety my character defects actually grew because my focus was on alcohol in the past and not my inner self. When your drunk you never truly face yourself because alcohol takes the focus. Without it though I have to face my problems and tackle them rather than run away from them. I’m working on it though. I made it 4 years sober, the end of my parole is right around the corner and I plan to right my wrongs and learn even more about myself post parole. I have tried to be more attentive to others around me and not be so self centered. I have been trying to do even more for my mother with her illness to make sure that she is okay. And also I have been reconnecting with myself physically and taking care of my body by eating right and working out again. There is always more though and every once and a while I need to step back and do a moral inventory on myself to see if I’m being the best I can be to myself and the people around me. Evolution never ends and when you feel that you have made yourself the best you can be that is where you fail and start slipping because no matter what there is always room for improvement. Bless